What is masculinity? The big question we get asked almost daily!

Of course masculinity means a lot of things to a lot of people. In fact, there is probably not any way of trying to boil down something as fundamental for the human experience as this without the definition becoming too simplistic and all but unsatisfying as an explanation.

But, just because something is multifaceted does not mean that you are unable to define it. As a matter of fact, this is exactly what we in the masculinity program First rule of men have done. We have created a working model, simple enough for all men to understand and practical enough to actually provide guidance to men who have decided to become more masculine.

Our simplistic definition

First of all, masculinity is something great and the world needs more of it. Far more. In the case men commit atrocities and behave in toxic ways it is in our view the lack of masculinity that is to blame. Our definition takes its start in one of these short and unsatisfactory answers on what masculinity is:

“Everything in a man who makes other men respect and follow him and what makes him attractive to women!”

If we go deeper into this statement we see that our definition does not contain any specific traits or skills, but is more centred around the judgements of people around a particular man. This is because what is considered masculine is highly contextual and is dependent on the specific society and social circles. What is expected from a guy in a motorcycle club is vastly different from what is expected of a man in a Yoga studio for example. So, in order to increase your masculinity we have to adapt to our environments and develop the traits that are expected in this particular environment.

Of course there are some traits in a man that are generally considered masculine, like physical strength for example. But, in further analysis there are certainly ultra masculine men without swelling biceps. There seems to be something, like a core that is more subtle traits, like self confidence and integrity, that seems to be more in the core of what it means to be a man than just being physically fit.

Masculinity & status

Among humans, masculinity is in the epicenter of our partner selection process. We have had 200,000 years of evolution to boil down the most successful traits that both men and women are expected to show to be considered valuable partners for mating.

To become a man means in most cultures the point when a boy chooses to stand up to what is expected of him as a full grown member in his particular environment. People who do this especially well are people who have some unique and valuable skill or ability and enough resources to share them with others in the group. Then, when he does, he will get recognised and acknowledged into a position of status in the local competence hierarchy. Sometimes, you also have to show your ability to defend the tribe from intruders or defend your position against rivals from within your own circle. When the man reaches this position, he will then have a say on important issues, his opinions will count and he will also start to earn more attention from women. At this point the man is lifted out of the dirt and daily struggles and might enjoy relative comfort as long as he is useful for the group.

All of these skills and traits combined are what we include in the term masculinity.

The chemistry of masculinity

This position of elevated status within the group is not just something superficial or only on the surface. Biologically, a lot of things are happening to the men who find themselves being chosen in this way. It is documented that both animals and humans that are allowed to be in the middle of the circle have elevated levels of chemicals tied to happiness, endurance and stress resistance. Mainly, testosterone and dopamine but numerous other things change in the posture and mind of a man who gets respected by others on a consistent basis over time.

The men who are not managing to man up to the expectations will have a very different life experience than the men with status. To not get selected means you have constant resistance. The chemicals in your body will make you more stressed out and more inclined to suffer from depressions. You will get less for more in life as a whole and in particular, the dating market will feel cold and ruthless. It is easy to understand why so many men these days just throw in the towel and just stop expecting anything out of life. This is understandable but sad since there is so much each individual man can do to increase his masculinity and with it his emotions and overall life outcome.

The monster and the master within

At a glance it looks like the requirements on modern men today are just ridiculously high. We should all be assertive, self confident and wealthy and at the same time be nice, intelligent, humble and in contact with our emotions. It seems like any mistake or sign of being human you make as a man will forever disqualify you from society. Yes. Life these days might feel like a minefield almost impossible to navigate. But, there is actually a pattern to the madness. By getting some structure on exactly what is expected of us as men, we will be able to get some guidance on what steps to take and in what order. It is never too late to pick yourself up and increase your masculinity.

In order to understand the situation a little better it helps to know where we came from and exactly why we ended up the way we are. Here you will find the start to what to focus on in your own personality to increase your masculinity.

Men, as we are today, are stuck right between the wilderness and civilization. Within us, all men have the potential for violent carnage as well as tender care of loved ones. The explanation to why men had to develop into this confusing mix of monster and master is simple.

A man with no ability to protect the tribe is useless and has no way to object when other people or prey animals help themselves to everything he has in life! This is why men who appear weak will have a difficulty to get attention in the first place when there is an opportunity presented in a group of people. This is strange since no one in civilised society normally needs to win fist fights in order to stand up for himself. But, our emotional system is not developing at the pace of society.

At the same time, a man who is only aggressive will be a danger to himself and others. a man who can not serve, support and care for the tribe is just a monster. In order to be successful a man needs to be able to simultaneously project aggression and have a soft and caring touch in the exact right amount.

For women, selecting a partner has therefore been a balancing act for ages. Each woman needs to choose a man alpha enough to be able to protect the family from outside threats without in himself being a danger for the family. At the same time, the man has to be soft enough to have a careful touch and become a loyal husband and reliable father for his children.

The most useful way breaking this down further is by sorting your skills and abilities into Alpha and Beta traits.

Wilderness meets civilization

Alpha traits are everything that has to do with the Wilderness. Physical strength, stamina, resourcefulness, and technical skills. An Alpha male is the person that you don’t mess with. Just by entering the room they get people’s attention. You can say that Alpha traits let you get what you want in life. Pursuing goals, pushing other people to do what you want for example is connected to this side of the equation. And of course, it is the Alpha traits that pretty much equals the level of sexual attraction you get from women. Without some wilderness inside you you will not get the invitation to a woman’s bed and subsequently also have slim chances to even have children and a family in the first place.

Beta traits are everything to do with Civilization. Cognitive ability, moral values, patience and diplomacy and the ability to delay gratification. A Beta mail is a person you feel comfortable with and that you naturally trust. You can say beta traits are what lets you keep what you have in life. Planning long term, negotiating mutual outcomes with others are traits that come with this other side of the equation. The beta traits are what makes a family comfortable and taken care of by you.

As you understand, you can not survive and thrive with just one or the other. Have too many Alpha traits and you will get what you want temporarily, but as you step on other people your opposition will increase and you end up in prison. Too much Beta will make you subject to exploitation since everyone can take what is yours and leave you empty and you will time and time again end up stuck in friendzone with women.

We often meet men with well developed beta traits that are fantastic individuals, but still live lonely and carry a big desire for someone to love them for who they are. Time spent with this attitude is time wasted and the faster men stop being meaningless push-overs we will see some true results in life.

But what exactly are we aiming for? Napoleon Bonaparte is thought to have coined the term “iron fist in a velvet glove” This may serve as a picture of what we as men should be aiming for. Not just the iron and not just the velvet.

Character rest on two pillars

There are a lot of traits however, which are not easy to sort in either of the Alpha or Beta categories but that require a certain level of both to exist. Integrity, honesty and mental resilience for example, are crucial parts of the masculine character that are dependent on the balance of the two. In order to have a backbone and some balls, a man needs to have sufficient Alpha traits to be willing to risk the consequence living by his conviction. At the same time this man need to have enough Beta traits in check to have a clear self image and a long term vision of his life to be able to discern what to stand up for and separate right from wrong.

So, again, the pattern is clear. Masculinity is totally dependent on the balance between my Alpha and Beta skills and the most sophisticated and rewarding parts of our personality is then fixed on top as the crown of the creation.

The great news is that no man is born masculine, but masculinity develops over time and with focused effort it can be greatly increased, even late in life. In short, Masculinity is a skill and you can acquire it!

Masculine is competitive sport all men are forced to play

Most modern men who are not happy with their situations have an Alpha deficiency. There has been a clear emasculation of society during the past decades. Men are brought up on a one sided mental diet of horror stories of how toxic men are. We are all violent and evil oppressors and should be ashamed of all the horrible things men have done in the past. How much better,  we then start thinking,  the world would be without men.

As we become accustomed to this kind of propaganda, we tend to minimise our Alpha traits and try to obliterate them as much as we can to not offend anyone with our mere existence. However, this is a terrible strategy, since disarmed, lonely, weak and oppressed men actually get more and more frustrated and vengeful and in their despair many start acting out and actually becoming the very thing they were trying to avoid.

But, in fact, nothing really changed behind the facade of anti-men rhetoric. Even the strongest opponents of men still, in private, prefer strong, independent and integrated men in their own private lives than meaningless pushovers.

In practice, there is no difference of what is asked of a man today than 200.000 years ago. The sooner we realise this the better off we will be.

And, as soon as you manage to see through the lies, actually setting a new course in life as a man is surprisingly simple.

How to get started on your journey towards higher masculinity!

Most men we meet primarily need assistance with their Alpha traits since they have managed to figure out the Beta traits in general to a higher degree. But, since most men have blindspots and most people benefit from improving also on the Beta front.

In the program the First rule of men we have a few steps that we wish to set in motion before we start the more emotionally dependent work on your personality. It all starts with a decision.

Make peace with your discomfort

In order to make changes of any type, you need to actually be present in the here and now. As soon as we start running away from our pain and resort to avoidance behaviour and temporary pleasure no one is at home to impose any changes or improvements in our life. As we accept and embrace our negative emotions instead of running from them, we have clarity and focus to start improving our situation.

Set up your masculine frame

It came as a surprise for me in the beginning of my journey that I have the right to ask for respect from the people around me. My frame is the idea of me in the present, where I came from and where I am going. I have a velvet rope and am in full control of who I let enter my reality. People who are not acting with respect may be asked to leave as I start to focus on people who actually like and value me. The first step is a willingness to be lonely if people around you are not willing to play nice with you and respect your boundaries. It is a scary decision to show some backbone and grow some balls as the all too common abusers and leeches make their exit out of your life, but you have to trust me here, your life will quickly turn to the better.

Get a vision for your life

Yes. You have the right to dream about what your life should look like. From our dreams we can create a vision that motivates us to cut the crap and focus on the destination of our dreams. The vision should then be properly broken down into milestones and concrete steps to take to increase your influence over the different factors of your life. The uphill battle will give you a new meaning that will let you endure any resistance on the way forward. Because, A man with a plan and some passion is very hard to stop!

Stop poisoning yourself

What we let into our system has a great impact on how our bodies work and we need our machinery to be running like a clock. Negative thoughts, destructive people and processed food needs to be eliminated one by one since these factors affect our male chemistry in a very negative way. In order to keep sane and strong we need to get most of our energy from as clean animal protein as possible and then add salads and plenty of vegetables for our gut and some buttery sauces for energy. This is essentially the only thing we should let into our system. Things like sugar, alcohol and coffee and other pleasurable things are only temporary and not what gives a good life in the long run, but rather keep us tied to the ground.

Get a smart and scientific training routine

We recommend lifting weights. Slowly and heavy until failure. This is how you build muscle mass in the most effective way and minimize the risk of injury. We have worked out a super optimised training system based on the latest science. The program is created for us regular dudes that want results while taking a minimum amount of time and effort. The amount of muscle growth you can get from 1-2 30 min workouts every week will blow your mind.

However, pumping iron is not the biggest value of getting in shape. Having a well working routine is a great way to keep yourself focused, better suited to match the person we are aiming to become. Also we struggle to manage our ambitions with the skills to rest actively and get enough sleep for our system to hold up for the demands of the world over time.

Become more productive both at work and in your private life

Then you start focusing on your masculinity like it was a competitive sport, people, things, apps and media that once was so important in your daily life will be put aside in favour of you giving yourself a better chance in life. In fact, in the First rule of men, we do not separate work and leisure time. Instead we focus on working harder than necessary and spend our spare time on interests that give us both recreation and builds our status in our selected group.

Let’s add some social skills

With all your alpha traits stacked on top of each other in a cool foundation, it is time to allow yourself to be playful, witty and add swag to your step. Learn how to dress, how to talk and how to interact harmoniously with other people. If your masculinity opens doors for you, your social skills will allow you to enjoy and exchange value in any situation over time by giving people joy wherever you go! .

Some spirituality

As soon as you manage to lift yourself out of the mud of everyday existence and gain some status you will have the ability to actually look at the world as the true mystery that it is. To believe in something bigger than yourself helps you to handle both successes and failures with a calm posture and show patience both with yourself and others! For us, spirituality is a way of aiming higher, seeking higher ideals and don’t get drunk by your own successes when your struggles start to pay of greatly.

God is our co-pilot, whatever label we happen to place on our own definition of a higher power!

Take your masculinity to the next level

This process is clearly doable. Maybe not all at once but gradually over time, your life can be turned around from almost any shitty position to something great, one small improvement at a time. It all starts in yourself with identifying your strengths and weaknesses and starting to work out your Alpha/beta balance and adding integrity and frame to your person.

If you need help, assistance or just some encouragement on your journey. Please join the first rule of men Facebook group or set up a free personal inspiration call.