“Men” do not abuse women. Abusers do! Please people, check your sexism at the door!

My last article on female aggression and the response from men was fantastic. Several men contacted me privately and shared their experience and several asked for help through the First rule of men program. For us it was a strong confirmation that the topic of female abusers is needed in our common conversation.

However, the public comments to the post were as tiresome as predictable. Some women were shocked and offended by the fact that the article dared to present women as perpetrators.

Immediately these people started to fill the comment section with horror stories and statistics about how bad men are to women. Presenting statistics about how many women are hiding from violent men and on and on in an attempt to take over the conversation, changing the topic in the process minimising the problem with female aggression the article was about.

There is no denying that there are many abusers and psychopaths out there who happen to be men that are doing horrible things to women. This is unacceptable and it needs to stop.

No doubt. No denying.

Then. Putting one problem up against another is not leading anywhere and in this particular conversation we are discussing the case where the woman chooses to become the perpetrator.

What struck me in all of this is the narrative and the tone when this topic is discussed. “Men” are doing this and that. “Men” are horrible and “Men” needs to do this and that. It is never “Some men” or “Male abusers”. It is always “men in general” as a group who is to blame. It seems like if we only generalising enough and blame on all “men” as a collective including the guys who never raised their fist in anger in their entire lives, the problem would just go away.

This is sexist and just plain silly.

Generalizations about men are not only fully accepted in today’s society, but expected. In today’s social media climate you are disrespectful to women if you are not expressing enough open and unrestricted generalized hatred against men. Like you need to keep posting to keep your “man hating status” to keep you in the inner circle.

Appalling!

No, “men” in general are not abusing anyone. Abusers are. You have to engage in the activity of abuse to be an abuser. It is in the activity, not in the sex, skin tone or age. And, even though a majority of abusers are men, does not make the majority of men into abusers.

At the same time, hearing how despicable men get treated in their relationships is hard to take in. The fact that we can give men hope, understanding and share our effective tools to deal with the situation is very satisfying.